Peaches
by VickyVicarious
Summary: My take on how Angel got the nickname Peaches. At an imaginary wake for a dead Angel. Spike's voice.


Angel. Angelus. Who the fuck cares? It's one and the same, really. If Angel could just accept that he was half demon… And Angelus could learn that his more soulful half was still half of him… Well, then he might shape up a bit. As it is – well, he's bloody fucking annoying. All, 'I must atone' one moment, then, 'let's stalk and kill the Slayer' the next.

I mean, – bloody hell! What the fuck are you doing here?

No. No I won't shut my trap, thank you. I don't care how much you two loved each other. He was a pansy.

And yes, it's appropriate.

Yes!

No, everyone will love my speech. Why do I have a speech anyway?

You do know that Drusilla turned me, right? He's not my Sire.

Well, technically…

Fine. Fine, whatever. If I concede that he was my Sire in all but technically siring me, will you go away?

No, you cannot look at that. Hey, give it back!

What, it's true! Aren't memorial speeches supposed to be about the truth?

Listen Slayer, we didn't exactly have 'good moments'. To sum it up, we had torture, teaching, fucking, yelling, fighting, and avoiding. Not fun.

Huh? Oh, yeah, we fucked.

Well, you know vampires will shag anything that moves. Angelus would get horny and… Well… I move.

No, I did not.

No, I didn't!

No, bloody hell! I fucking told you, I did _not_ love the poof! He was just… My Sire, that's all.

Yes, I know I said that. But I also said he was my Sire in every way that counted.

Look, just go away and let me write my fucking speech, alright?

Finally! Bloody hell, Angelus, why'd you ever love that bint anyway? Bloody annoying, she is.

Okay… fine, if I'm not insulting your dust… Let's see here.

Right-o. Angelus was evil… But he

No… that sounds like something the poof would say!

God, this is hard.

* * *

'Lo all. I'm supposed to say a speech, since the bloody poof was my Sire – well, not technically, but… – so here goes.

Um… I was planning on insulting him, and then maybe getting drunk in – well, not in his honor, just cause I like to, but – hey! Somebody hold the Slayer down! She's givin' me these weird looks…

Ta, Rupes. Right, well, I was _going_ to do that, but the Slayer said something about 'happy moments', and that got me thinking…

So, I'm going to tell you all a story. And yes, it's bloody rated G so you can uncover the Nibblet's ears, Red.

Right. Well, you lot all know I have a lot of nicknames for the poof, right? Like… well, the Poof. And Brood-master, Nancy Boy, Captain Forehead, King of Hair Gel… Yeah, well most just comment on his lovely hair care, or attitude and such shit. But Peaches… that nickname has a story behind it.

You see, Angelus and Angel may have been so-called opposites, but really, a lot of stuff they did was the bloody same. For one thing, they were both bloody anal about cleanliness at the weirdest fucking times. Like… one time, Angelus, Dru, Darla and I had just massacred a whole bloody convent… And then, right when we were beginning to digest the blood, he told us to 'go clean up'. We had to actually scrub the floor to get innards out.

Oh, come on… half of you lot are demons. Don't tell me you can't handle a little gore?

Yeah, well… Nibblet enjoys it more'n you do. An' that's just sad, mate.

ANYWAY, one thing that Angelus and Angel shared… was a passion for – of all things above and below the earth – ballet.

Yes, ballet. So, one day, or night, actually, I stroll in a little early from my hunt, and what do I find?

And yeah, he'd done told us to stay out… but since when do I take orders?

Tha's right, Bit. Never in my unlife, not from anyone.

Exceptin' you, of course.

Yeah, so… I walk in, and I stop still in my tracks. My mouth's literally hangin' open, because not only do I see a TV screen full of poncy buggers and their feminine counterparts dancin' round in their tutus, but…

Angelus, Scourge of Europe, stood before me, wearing nothing but a pair of ballet flats, and a peach-colored leotard, with a peach-colored tutu on him.

Quiet down folks, there's still more to come!

At the precise moment I walked in, he was practicing a pirouette.

Yeah, I know…

Hey, you lot!

Shut the bloody fuckin' hell UP!

Thank you. Now, where was I? Right, at the pirouette. Well, he pirouetted his li'l heart out – right around to see me, standin' in the doorway. And on the front of his cute little leotard, I saw a shiny plastic peach.

Bloody hell, I fell over laughing, as you can imagine. And Angelus – he was so fucking excited, he didn't notice! Jus' tried to make me join him. O' course, I declined…

And those of you who're picturing me kitted out in those clothes will have their spinal cords ripped out through their bloody throats!

No, instead of joining Angelus in his lovely dance, I offered to film it for 'im, so he could submit it to a dancing troupe; maybe get a part. Load of bollocks that could have had me dusted, but for some reason the idiot bought it. I kept the video, obviously.

Ladies and Gentlemen: let me present Angelus, Scourge of Europe, and King of Tights!

Oh yeah, one more thing – Peaches WAS under a spell, BUT it was only to increase his passions – apparently Darla thought something was… lacking. Ta!

* * *

Well Slayer, that a 'good enough moment'?

Yeah, I know. Bloody hilarious!

Umm… pet?

Luv, you might wanna stop detailing the dance moves…

Well, apparently Peaches isn't quite as gone as we thought…

Oi, don't shove!

I think I somehow summoned a ghost, Nibblet. Slayer doesn't look too happy 'bout him being intangible.

Well, yeah, his doing ballet through her in a peach-colored tutu might have something to do with it…


End file.
